Beasts and Reptiles In Bucharest

Hello to you all. I do hope that you are getting used to this horrible cold weather as the summer seems to becoming a very distant memory already.

BURBERRY BOGDANS!

Before I go any further, if your name is Bogdan but you are perfectly normal then just ignore the next paragraph as it’s NOT about you. If, however, you are the Bogdan described below then you must have come across this website by accident. Maybe you were searching for internet take-home ego’s, or maybe a new brain or something similar.

Ok, here we go. In Dorobanti there is a cafe along the main street that has chairs with fake Burberry design covers which is absolutely pointless because the design completely disappears when one of the ‘Burberry Bogdans’ lays his big fat, hairy D&G arse upon it.

Let me explain what a Burberry Bogdan is. Firstly, Bogdan is the generic name the expats give to these particularly unique characters roaming the streets of Bucharest. So, if you can picture an overweight hairy gorilla with a gold chain, shiny trainers, shaved head and a big black BMW or similar that is parked completely wrong and usually blocking the crossing (or even on top of a helpless old lady who happened to be negotiating the road) then you will have a good picture of what one of these neanderthal beasts looks like.

They sit for hours in the cafe saying nothing but just stare at their ‘baby’ parked just outside  the cafe door whilst  hugging their cappuccino like a sweet teddy bear  being careful not to spill any over the seven mobile phones carefully laid out in a nice line across the table.. Then, out comes the huge fat cigar that , I can only assume, reminds them of an ex-boyfriend or something as they smoke it in a very peculiar, pornographic style!

I would love to organize a pub quiz there but I fear that having six fingers on each hand would give them an unfair advantage with the math questions. Actually I think the extra finger they possess due to genetic malfunctioning, is to enable them to swing their car keys around and around and then gently caress them like rosary beads. It’s all quite sweet really isn’t it?

I’ve been to Bucharest zoo and its nothing compared with the pleasure I get by walking by this place every evening and watching the beasts being fed and watered and grunting words of no more than 3 letters in length to a wishful young lady sitting in the corner clutching her fake Louis Vuiton handbag and smiling vacantly like an empty house with the light on.

WHERE DO THEY GET THAT HAIR FROM?

Talking of strange sights, I remember very well the first time I came to Bucharest and wanted to use the bus and was politely introduced to the small silver painted ticket booth with the little window that is strategically designed perfectly but only if you are 1 metre tall.

Going back to zoo stories, I remember as a boy going into the reptile house at London zoo and just staring through the  glass at the leaves and plants inside and thinking to myself  “what’s in here, just plants?” . Then out of nowhere a large lizard suddenly moves right in front of me prompting a loud scream as I jumped out of my skin with fright and surprise.

I had actually forgotten that day until I slowly walked towards my first bus ticket booth in Tineretului and, shock horror, it was Déjà Vu time all over again.

“Jesus” I thought as I  bent down to place my face against the window and saw for the first time, the purple haired bus ticket monster looking back at me. I since discovered that many of the ticket monsters have the same hair style and the same purple hair colour so I can only assume that there is a small factory on the outskirts of Bucharest where they actually make them and then imprison them all in their own cell on the side of the street.

Interestingly, the equivalent selling metro tickets have a slightly darker purple colour to their hair so maybe they come from a rival factory somewhere. I actually said “Buna Dumineata” to one the other day and all I got was this look similar to an old  horse staring over a fence next to the highway to Constanta.

I have to say, I was tempted to ask “excuse me, you don’t have a son that likes cappuccinos in Dorobanti do you?” but I thought better and took my ticket and moved to get my train.

…AND MY FINAL TARGET?

On a more serious note, I was quite astonished to finally find out that those strange looking objects  that the equally strange looking people were selling at traffic lights along with the umbrella hats, were actually a device to put into your seat belt connection so the seat belt warning beep would stop when driving the car!

“Hello!”, there is a specific reason for that warning beep sounding, it’s because it’s a safety hazard not driving with your seat belt on and, more importantly, having your children safely secured in the car. I don’t care what the arguments are, there is no excuse for putting your child’s life at risk by allowing him/her to stand up between the two front seats while you are driving at over 50 kms per hour. I often see this and actually see the driver wearing a belt! ….. how irresponsible and stupid is that?

So, if you are someone who lets his precious child risk losing their life then take a look in the mirror. On the other hand, the next time you are up around Piata Victoriei and you see one of those guys potentially contributing to someone’s death, do me a big favour and run your car over his foot!

See you again very soon, take care everyone!

Colin